‘We have nothing to hide, we have everything under control.’ I watch a stubby man preach to a crowd of hungry journalists on the TV. He stands on a stage, with freakishly good posture and is making hand gestures when he speaks. In his shadow, I see around twenty men. They are sweating like pigs, with their top buttons undone. They are breathing arduously. The man carries on talking,’We have our best professionals in their labs working on the matter.’ He doesn’t answer any questions while on stage. After staring blankly at the crowd for five seconds he walks off. A few security guards, wearing wires in their ears, follow him. They enter the building behind the stage. The architect must have really liked black, the windows are tinted darker than any limo’s. I think it was the biggest building I have ever seen. Talk about a skyscraper. On the stage, one of the smaller men takes the microphone, but before he can say anything the TV changes shot and presents a news reporter. My phone vibrates ‘No one has yet identified what occurred to the individual in the McDonald’s restaurant… The gravity of this situation should not be taken lightly, but interrogated to the fullest extent… Can anything synthetic cure the individual…FBI…Back to the studio. ‘ The TV turns off. ‘Off to bed you rascal.’ Slowly I head up to my bedroom and fall into a stressful slumber.
It’s a grey Monday morning. I’m not going to school because my dad got a letter saying the school will be closed for a while. This means my summer holiday will start from now, as long as the school doesn’t reopen. I’m decent in school. ”Could improve” is what my dad reads on every report I’ve received from the school. I know people say education is key for getting a job, but it isn’t 2018. Now it doesn’t make a difference, there will always be a robot or machine that can do it better. Our futures are basically already set for us. My dad, he has a garage. It’s awesome, he gets all kinds of stuff, from cars to cook-bots and hover boards to boilers. I reckon one day I’ll be given the keys. It wouldn’t be that bad. But I want to choose for myself, explore other options, do something, be someone, before I have to settle down with a routine.’Alex, breakfast’s ready.’ I go to the island in the kitchen where my breakfast is patiently waiting for me.
My phone vibrates in my pocket as I eat my breakfast. I answer it. It’s my friend. They ask,’Are you doing anything today?’
I tell them the truth.
‘Do you want to go to the mall?’ .
‘Sure,’ I say, even though the mall is boring as hell.
‘See you there, bye,’ and they hang up.
I get ready, tell my dad and then leave. I start my trek down the long dirt road, that goes through a forest, and leads to the main road. The closer I get to the tarmacked road the louder the cars becomes. I can hear the engines roaring as they speed down the highway. I make a right turning and then I look behind me to see if a bus is coming, and it is so I run. It is about 250 metres from me, I’m about 150 metres away from the bus stop. I run frantically down the pavement, one eye on the bus and one eye on the bus stop. The bus is getting closer and louder. I can feel it clipping at my heels. Realising that there is no one at the bus stop, I run as fast as I can. The bus passes me. The driver looks at me with an evil grin on his face and I know that he isn’t going to stop. A gap begins to appear. He drives straight past the bus stop. I wave my middle finger at the driver until I know he won’t be able to see it. The bus just stops. In shock and fear, I slowly walk in the other direction. ‘I’ll take the next one.’
I’m finally in the city, on my way to the mall. The streets are crowded as usual. I walk casually down each road avoiding eye contact with the strangers. I notice a peculiar crowd outside of the city hospital. My body starts moving towards the hospital. There is no movement at the main entrance therefore, I enter through the back. Sirens are screaming and cars are rushing in and out. I walk through large double doors, not forgetting to sanitise my hands twice. I then become frozen. I lose all my senses apart from sight. Before me is a man? Without eyes or ears or a nose. He is restrained to the bed and is shaking. Veins piercing through his skin, an intense blue against his pale white body. In his hair are white seeds, sesame seeds? A force drags me back out of the doors. I feel my feet taken off the ground. ‘You shouldn’t be here!’ a voice says intimidatingly. I start walking. Everything around me is blurry. Everything around me speeds pass.
I think about what I saw whilst in the mall. I think about what I saw on the bus. I think about what I saw at home. While I sleep all I can think about is that man.
October 30, 2014 at 12:24 pm
Hello Bruke,
I like the idea of an ominous press conference. It reminds me of reading ‘Animal Farm’ with you last year, the scenes where Snowball would speak to the other animals. Maybe re-read this if you can. Your character really comes to life in the second paragraph.
Targets:
1) look at your description of the man, is ‘ponderously’ the right adjective here? Could you use something darker?
2) ‘the designer must have really like black’ it is only at this point that it becomes clear your piece is in 1st person rather than third. Either of these voices is fine, but choose one and stick with it.
3) When your character is unable to understand the news reporter, perhaps there are words/phrases that we might know. This could be an excellent opportunity for dramatic irony to develop.
October 31, 2014 at 11:25 am
Thank you sir. I will take it all on board.
November 1, 2014 at 7:41 pm
I used ‘ponderously’ to describe the men in the shadow. Should I make it more clear?
November 6, 2014 at 8:45 am
Hello Bruke,
You have clearly acted on your targets and I really like the development of the father figure. Well done.
Targets:
Look at the dialogue of the speaker at the beginning. He uses phrases like ‘keep calm’ and ‘don’t panic’ – would this really happen in a situation like this? Experiment with saying one thing and using body language to subtly convey the truth. Perhaps the descriptions of the men might help to show the speaker needs security.
Do re-read again for typos (past vs passed for instance, look for rogue commas).